I Rebuke U in the name of? ......

I am a devout selfist opting for the belief in me rather than the belief of some higher power. Lately though I have been thinking as I usually do LOL... And I came to the conclusion that I am actually AFRAID yes! I can admit that AFRAID to believe in God. I think that for the many years that I have lived, I have had so many people screw me over. I have friends but i choose to even keep them at bay, I have family and I often shut them out as well holding on to a select number which is down to like 7 if even. Why? I would like to blame my pops for this one folks. Who knew daddy walking out 9years ago would have such a profound effect on my life. I put my trust in a god like figure, yup my dad standing at 6'4 was the man who had the most power in the world to a little girl like me, and though I was a teenager when he left and believe me when i tell you felt nothing at all by the departure, I guess all these years I have been able to lie to myself. But this year, I broke, and I still don't know why? I guess that will be for a later post, or when I finally sit down with some shrink who leaves me rocking in the fetal position under a hot shower because I said aloud all of the demons I have been holding in since I could remember what demons were, I give that the age of 5. I won't deny that I am a skeptic of religion as it is, a skeptic in the sense that people who sit and pray and speak of good are usually the very people that do evil. I do not believe in very good people. why because I am a good person and even I am not a good person. Do you understand that? Doesn't matter.... Anyway I came to the conclusion that I do not want to believe in God because at some point God will not beleve in me, and for all the christians, Jehovah witnesses(is this a form of christianity) Islamists, Juddaists, etc etc I do not want to even think of the religious rant that I would be given to explain away my fear, please shove that shit all THEEEEE way up you asses!