The Ignorance of Osmosis

There is something seriously wrong with women! I swear! I hate when girls get a man and everything that comes out of his mouth is what comes out of their mouths. Seriously if you are experiencing some freaky osmosis, take your ass that a way because I would rather NOT have to be around a grown ass women who has all of a sudden turned into a "grown ass man" and I am sure that this is definitely applicable in the vice versa scenario.

WE is I

There is this need for individuality that presses at the core of most people but less so for others. I listened today as someone I knew expressed to me something as plain as interaction and in listening to them realized that this person did not realize how much their life was ruled by the opinions and actions of others. I thought to myself how different people are even friends and for a second wondered if this was the reason why occasionally i questioned our friendship. I after all value my need to be an individual and not the kind that mimics the needs of others t be individuals but just to express Shari as Shari and not some collection of those that surround me. STOP! this is the part where I sell you the swindle of an UNIQUE spirit but in selling you this swindle I must acknowledge about four things...

FIRST! it is not possible to not be affected by the opinion of others, if life is a growing experience and our experiences are tied to interactions and those interactions are tied to people then inevitably, we are all product of the opinions of other people.

SECOND: when i say individuality i am expressing the idea that what you feel or think should not become the product of those around you. You can be a republican because you were raised by republicans but u do not have to agree with all of the republican agenda.

THIRD: if there is an individual there is a group thought... take with that what u want or will

FOURTH and Finally: the TO BE CONTINUED.... MY MIND IS PROCESSING

Heartless Harpy

The first time we ever experience true love, is when we are born into this world. We are to experience this love from our parents. However, what happens when our parents do not love us, where do we learn to love from then?

When I was younger I thought that girls learned to love through our mothers. How we saw them love men, we would mimick. But as I got older I realized that we learn from our fathers and as we watched them love our mother we rationalized the ways we wanted or did not want a man to love us. In my case, I wonder if I will develop into a lying, cheating, spineless bastard?

Or if what I thought when I was 13-17 that I would become my mother confused, weak, and confined.

Or here is the latest scenario that my fear of becoming both or either of my parents will turn me into a heartless Harpy. I think I will go with this one.

The All seeing EYE! (I)

I had a thought today as I usually do because the day you stop thinking is clearly the day you die, well at least I would hope that I have left this earth and am not somewhere in a vegetative state. .. Any who that is not the point of my post..

So I was thinking about perception and how when we sometimes meet people or are
around different people we can see them judging us. I know a few people whom I have given the title of "judgemental eyes" too. Where everything you say or do, you can see them analyzing and making assertions about your character. Well I realize today that it is not them who is judging it is "EYE!" (I) because my eyes are seeing a mirror and I am looking at myself and so have pushed this skewed image of myself on to another human being. No human being should have the ability to control another, I mean come on we are after all mortal beings and so magical powers HA! the only power there is is knowledge. The idea of truth, and that truth is if you know yourself better than how you all yourself to be known (think on this) you will feel less inclined to look into the eyes of another being and think of them judging you.

The Lesson: Comfort yourself in the knowledge of who you are so that you will not be uncomfortable.

This leads me to a second though the issue of self esteem and the lack thereof, I think it is completely okay to second guess yourself from time to time, it is also a part of being a living being, I will not say it is the attribute of humans because I have seen animals display this behavior as well. The problem with having a lack of self esteem comes also from a lack of knowledge, It would do us all good to constantly seek knowledge, what knowledge could we acquire that would aid in self esteem? IF you are asking this question you are a JACKASS and have NOT been paying attention!

Dear India Arie, U lie!

I am starting to think that rather than love we are looking fo robots that are what we want exactly. Instead of looking for qualitites that can add to who we are and aid on our individual spirit we miss out on these things because we become consumed by the lack of. If we were truly ready for love then we would seek without eyes,hear without needing words and feel without the need to actually touch.

Just a thought!

Untitled

Taking a deep breath to remind myself that I can do it.
Lungs filled face flushed, fear causes me to tremble
But I can do it
I hear a sounds it comes from me,
Somethings broken? No its that wall coming down, but i'm afraid
I can do it.
I'm shouting now, its like a Cherokee war cry, reminding myself
I can do it
The pressure, the panic, the pain,
But... I.. can ..do it?
Or else I would never have started,would I?
I can do it....Life!

FREE ME (US)

Today I sat in on a graduate level course in which my PH.D Prof lectured us on Feminism. Somewhere during this time we started talking about the activism of black abolitionist in Syracuse and somehow we ended up on the name Frederick to which she could not remember his last name! Now I did not say anything..Not because I did not know his last name either. But because prior to a fellow student saying Douglass, I believed it to be someone else she was about to mention, I had truly believed that this woman could not possibly have forgotten the last name of one of the most powerful men in history..Ahhhh! but you see in whose history? Not hers, not my white Anglo-Saxon privileged professor, whom I wonder if after reading the feminist workings of authors such as Bell Hooks realized she was the white woman who had become so attached to her male counterpart that she became just as privileged as he. In this privilege she was afforded the right to forget, forget the names of men and women who had suffered beatings of the mental, physical, and spiritual at the hands of oppressors, ignorant vile human beings! And NO! I am in no way bashing the white race, take notice that I gave the oppressors, the ignorant vile human beings no specific race, because I do believe that hatred has no definite color only mental capacity, or lack thereof.
I write this post for a different purpose, the reason being that I could not get over it. The it being Frederick Douglass and his forgotten last name, while she (my Prof) carried on with her lecture all I could think of was wow, how could a woman who traveled the world, researched areas such as Ghana and Nigeria forget the name of Frederick Douglass. And I realized something important, She is not a racist, she is not ignorant or closed off. It is I who has become ignorant. Ignorant to the fact that she is an old woman and you know what it may have just slipped her mind at the time. Ignorant to the fact that she does not bare the burden of her race. A race applied to me, by people who have lacked the ability to reject it as they have the word nigger. So I end with this, though we may have been emancipated for 145 years now. Why is my (our) mind(s) still held in chains?

The Point Issssss.....SHARISM revisited

So when I wrote my SHARISM post, I was hoping that people would be able to relate. Not just to the desire to control human beings but to another reason behind my contempt, fear, hmmm and I guess I would say mistrust of religion. So I gave the whole Daddy wasn't there speech, now I am giving you the whole So you DO believe in Santa Clause and Tooth Fairy speech.
I'll be very honest with you, I have never fully read the Bible although I can admit that I do enjoy the Psalm23 I actually feel better saying it to myself after a really bad dream or after an encounter with a duppy (ghost). No I am NOT a some crystal meth binge while writing this. But a part of me believes in evil spirits and so yea ghost...get over it... Back to my point. You KNOW what also makes me feel good, When I repeat over and over to myself the final 2 lines of the poem Invictus and the entire poem self pity. I urge everyone to read both poems. Why? They are like most good literature intriguing and filled with the promise of what I believe we all search for. Self fulfillment, or would you rather i have said success? (same thing) happiness? (same thing) Money, power, respect? ha! All the same thing and I could argue with you the cases in which it were true as I am sure most could argue how it is false. Bravo! I applaud all attempts! Let's get back to the point...If you believe in religion then you believe in Santa. there is a real man who comes down your chimney during the Holiday known as Christmas. There is a fairy who seeks your teeth for profitable gain. Sharism is simply this... What i desire man(human beings to do) will be done because it is my belief that it is so. tell me if this doesn't sound like religion.

The Casino Life

You ever heard the saying life is like a deck of cards? no? well I'm not sure I have either. Anyway lets run with this philosophy..and add to it that life is a deck of cards. Here it is important to take notice that I have taken out the need for similarity and replaced it with that of reality, Continue then.. these particular cards do not all contain numerical values, some of them contain things such as career goals, gender roles, culture, race... Are you getting the picture yet? within these cards there are also things like death, life, liberty, enslavement. Well what if your cards began to be served out and people were not given things such as race or life. would this mean that they had no identity? would this mean that they would die? But they were not given a death card and race had nothing to do with identity or does it?
The challenge! Think of your life and every aspect of it. The way you eat, sleep, breathe, dream. Think of the people and the places you have gone, will go, desire to go and ask yourself, If you are not already living as if you were a deck of Cards.

It's A Celebration

Without change there would be no reason for celebration, think about it....
birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, reunions, baby showers, etc etc...
All symbols of change all reasons to celebrate...
And you might say what of funerals, competitions where there are most certainly losers, Divorces,
To that i say with every unpleasant change there is still a reason to celebrate.
What might that be?
Growth....
With every change you become a little wiser, a little stronger, a little faster, a little smarter... are you following me...
AND
if we have learned anything from the tortoise and the hare... Please tell me you have read this?
No? time for a change then..
I continue... if we have learned anything from the Tortoise and the Hare it is that slow and steady wins the race...
I think we should celebrate more often....whose with me?

THOUGHTS!

Okay over my Moping stage...Yup.. and just like that

Carpe Diem!

ummm do look out for more poetry though... i think this summer I will get back into the full swing of my creativity..I'm thinking maybe a mini story..Or ooh a series based on the lives of numerous ppl...JUICY!

OR

Perhaps I should take the time to educate, myself and others on politics, health, economics not so much..... but honestly there are way too many blogs like that in the world.

AND
I have been thinking ( AS USUAL) thaat maybe I need to focus my blog on something in particular..hmmmm

THOUGHTS!

Elements

On a hot night I'd like to get right
With that get right vibe
SURE..I could open my windows and let the air in
but then,
I wouldn't feel that pull against the skin AND the sweat dripping,
WATER
Follow me through powder mists and gentle kisses,
the WIND
Bright lights and hot flames,
my FIRE
some would say desire creates heat, i say desire is cool,
ICE
when it melts the pool gets filled becomes my heart,
solid...closed,
MY EARTH

The Series with no Finale.

The beauty of no television. I would say that I experienced this profound and almost apocalyptic revelation today but unfortunately it was not one of those days. Rather a dry one.. somewhere between eating crackers with no liquid to quench my thirst and actual desert lands. I sat down and typed up two essays for my Sociology course both essays I felt were not my best work probably b/c the prof wanted me to take praise to two political activist and theorist whom I must say I admire but at the same time the debate team that exists within my mind demanded that I shred every piece of their work, not literally of course but most certainly intellectually and you would ask why? If you are not asking why, then you are an IDIOT! because that is the very reason I shred (dissect) their works. What good is good theory if it is not challenged to be better. How do people become Gods if they were never once mere mortals? I ask all this not of myself but to you and when you have the answer, then you should thank me! Because I have now allowed you to dissect yourself, I'm hoping that you are of some sort of "good" in any sense of that word. And in doing so You have just become better, How so? still wondering what the point of the post is... I will not tell you but, I will give you a hint, what is the series with no Finale? Now that's good television!

FunHouse Mirrors

Today I sat in a classroom and listened to my PH.D Prof. yes PH.D. because some of them are working with just Masters u kno.. if even.. anywho... This woman continuously said femaleness and maleness rather than feminity and masculinity.. Now is it just ME or is there something wrong with this picture? This woman is going to be grading what she refered to me as writing intensive papers but cannot grasp the simple concept of words such as femininity and masculinity. Your thinking okay Taurus here you go again on another rant... BUT wait it is not a rant what it is was a funhouse mirror effect, you know the kind that shows you yourself with legs that are largely disporportionate to your body or with a head that is raised in high and wide fashion so You look like your of the extraterrestrial kind. Basically it was an eye opener, one that felt like a large tub of ice water had been thrown on me, and not in celebration like after a championship game. It was my WAKE UP call. The most powerful one ever received. Because u see at the end of my receiver was a voice that said, Look at you, where will you be at 55? (my Prof) age. Continuing on the path that I have not necessarily paved but maybe chipped into formation, I wanted to say to that voice, I'm going to be a powerful Federal Judge or working somewhere deep within the Federal Bureau of Investigations. To which the voice laughed! because a fool with a dream is surely like the bum with the plastic cup with no bottom tohold his change....

My Metaphor...

I want to ride you,
The way a surfer rides a wave, smooth, rough, practiced precise!
I want to ride you the way my words ride through your mind, sinking DEEPER and DEEPER so that with every s.y.l.l.a.b.u.l. your caught in the verbal web.
I want to ride you!
The way a small child rides the merry go round, the soft innocence, the up and down motion not so practiced no need for precision.
I want to ride you!
Like an airplane all turbulence baby!
I want to ride you because you are a Motorcycle and I have wanted you all my life! But unfortunately I have no license and have had no lessons so, instead I look at you and wait....

short and sweet...

SHARISM

the belief in all that is SHARI... it is a good religion because it asks very little of you.

If I had a temple, in the middle would be a butt naked 6'4 muscle man and to him you all could bow and say AMEN!... but in all seriousness I am DEAD serious.

Also I would have you wear only blue into my temple all other colors do not mean you will not be able to enter but, you will have it burned and then you will be placed in a shower room and scrubbed unmercifully!

i have to ponder a little more....

Familiar

I walked outside and the wind blew, a scent that was all too familiar
the kind that sends that all too familiar tingle.
I wished that when I turned my head,I would see your smile.
But instead was empty air your all too familiar style.
I guess this is the part where i start to reminisce,
the times that you held me close and said I'd remember this,
The places we use to go and the people we use to see
How every time u won the fight, I would get angry.
It is all too Familiar the way I see the day,
over and over again,
the words they start to play,
Happily!
I'm distracted by the familiar sound,
the clock that chimes and ticks that seem so loud
and yes of course the wind moves, leaves rustle on the ground
What happen next familiar!
the haze begins to lift,
And oh so Familiar
Because i dreamt all of this

THE BBQ... My life on the Grill

FREE AT LAST FREE AT LAST THANK GOD ALMIGHTY I"M FREE AT LAST! I'm POSITIVE that Dr. King did not mean for me to use this as a mantra for making it through a day with my "Family". Now do not be alarmed this is in no way a post to bash them in their entirety. I love them, but dislike most of them even more. Why? the typical Cousins with no real passion in life other than to make it to the next day and believe me when I tell you that if you are not an individual living in a war torn underdeveloped society this is NOT an acceptable behavior. Then there are the snobs, Aunts, Uncles, cousins who have the "perfect" family you know maried 3 kids house car, opted out of the dog because of allergies but would've had if that was not the case and just may still decide to get those pets. NOW NOW NOW... Before you go off into mental blockage of the wisdom I am about to impart onto you. Let me say that this is not the rantings of a jealous individual. It is the clear and precise allocation of documented behavior. What I mean is there are human beings and then there are decent human beings. What does that mean? Well iF you are asking this question then perhaps you may be the first rather than the latter. The point.. Ahhh yes the point of this post, well I was at the Fourth of July BBQ when I realized that other than the flame caressed food, there was also the burining of individuality and of actual bonds. Isn't that what these cookouts are for. Or is it really JUST and opportunity to ROAST each other.
Something to ponder....
P.s. Sorry for the late thoughts I have been kind of busy...

I Rebuke U in the name of? ......

I am a devout selfist opting for the belief in me rather than the belief of some higher power. Lately though I have been thinking as I usually do LOL... And I came to the conclusion that I am actually AFRAID yes! I can admit that AFRAID to believe in God. I think that for the many years that I have lived, I have had so many people screw me over. I have friends but i choose to even keep them at bay, I have family and I often shut them out as well holding on to a select number which is down to like 7 if even. Why? I would like to blame my pops for this one folks. Who knew daddy walking out 9years ago would have such a profound effect on my life. I put my trust in a god like figure, yup my dad standing at 6'4 was the man who had the most power in the world to a little girl like me, and though I was a teenager when he left and believe me when i tell you felt nothing at all by the departure, I guess all these years I have been able to lie to myself. But this year, I broke, and I still don't know why? I guess that will be for a later post, or when I finally sit down with some shrink who leaves me rocking in the fetal position under a hot shower because I said aloud all of the demons I have been holding in since I could remember what demons were, I give that the age of 5. I won't deny that I am a skeptic of religion as it is, a skeptic in the sense that people who sit and pray and speak of good are usually the very people that do evil. I do not believe in very good people. why because I am a good person and even I am not a good person. Do you understand that? Doesn't matter.... Anyway I came to the conclusion that I do not want to believe in God because at some point God will not beleve in me, and for all the christians, Jehovah witnesses(is this a form of christianity) Islamists, Juddaists, etc etc I do not want to even think of the religious rant that I would be given to explain away my fear, please shove that shit all THEEEEE way up you asses!

A Summer Christmas Carol

Some people are able to move forward through life with ease others like myself constantly think about the shoulda woulda coulda..... and at 1:47am when i should be anticipating later today seeing all my friends and family all I can do is think on the things of the past. Not necessarily the people but the situations in which I feel I had an opportunity for change and let it slip by and so I guess what I am getting at is..... How do you let go of the past ? when the past won't let go of you? It's like the story of Scrooge, How so? well every regret is my little lesson a little story I am being carried through to remind me Of what? my humanity? Is this the key? Am I like Scrooge constantly missing the point and so needing that little reminder. But riddle me this, When the FUCK do I wake up?